1. |
Farewell
04:13
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Spoken:
You know, my dad and I had a very interesting relationship. When he and mom adopted me, they were well beyond their years of truly needing to take in ANOTHER child, so I've always felt that my inclusion in their family was some sort of miracle. But he always treated me as if I were his blood; he always treated me as though I was his own, he never made me question his love.
I mean, This is the man that taught me how to golf, how to ride a bike, and how to truly listen to music. So I have so much to thank him for. And even in dad's later years, as his health started to deteriorate, I learned that making him laugh was the best gift I could offer him for all the love he had given me.
My family's sense of humor has always been pretty weird—even though like none of this is gonna be funny. But amid all of our ideological differences, I knew that in the moments when I could make light of his illness or even joke about something in his treatments being a burden on the family, he would get a kick out of it because he KNEW that no one truly felt that way but it was really funny to us.
Ultimately, I just want to make something that would make dad proud. He was sick for such a long time and we had so many scares over the decade in which he fought lung cancer, so I never really have a vivid memory of the man healthy.
Yet, he never complained. And as much as we joked, he never made himself a burden. He was a quiet man that never wanted attention, he just wanted to love his family. So his selflessness is what made us fight for him and I truly think that's why he held on for so long. I think was in control the entire time—all the way until he finally let go and we all said farewell.
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2. |
Active Ghosts
03:11
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Well, I guess if there's one thing I regret,
it's that I don't have many pictures of us together
Saul Williams wrote, "Only believers in death will die."
It always reminded me of you, cuz you were never afraid to die.
And I was wrong when I said I'd be over this by morning.
So I hopped on a plane, left the family behind,
And I haven't looked back since
These active ghosts of you haunt me in my sleep
I can only dream of you; these apparitions will have to do
I can be vulnerable, I can be a lot of things—
but afraid is not one of them; you taught me this graciously
I watched you survive when others would surely die
It just wasn't your time yet; You found a reason not to leave
My last words to you were thank you
For giving me a family, for giving me a home
And you just fell back to sleep
These active ghosts of you haunt me in my sleep
I can only dream of you; these apparitions will have to do
How does one prepare for an out of body experience?
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3. |
Bastard Son
04:17
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I AM FATHERLESS
Adopted, abandoned, alone
Your absence is an invisibility cloak of forever—and I don't feel any closer to you here
I replay that last week with you over and over in my head.
I flew back to Oregon just to watch you slowly deteriorate before my eyes
There was nothing we could do except make you feel comfortable.
And I tried to glean as much as I could from you during that week
You taught me not to fear death, you taught me that life is temporary
You taught me about your favorite Marty Robbins song, and when I got home I gave "Big Iron" a spin and I wept
Because I would never listen to it with you again
You taught me the stories behind all of his songs
I would listen as your face beamed with joy, reliving the days when you weren't in pain and you could just listen to music
I feel that pain today
Because there's not enough of me to go around these days
I'm sleeping less and crying more than I'd like to admit
I miss the days when everything was vibrant
Because when you died, my depression and anxiety amplified and the thoughts of killing myself worsened as I struggled to find work
But you always told me that anyone would be happy to have me
Yet I felt like I had nothing without you
And luckily, luckily I gave up drinking a few years ago in hopes that I could feel anything again.
Now I wear these X's like badges of honor from an invisible war that may never end
Now, being sober means I think much clearer.
And I think of the times you told me I was too stubborn to quit but I'm so glad I did
Quitting saved my life
You always told me that you had wished you'd quit smoking before you even began and it made me think of how much I stood to gain by giving up alcohol.
Hell, I was able to reconnect with you the last few years of your life—
No more shame of MY double life, no more keeping track of the lies
But it wasn't enough to keep me honest
So I moved to Massachusetts to get a fresh start
Cuz I saw none of my friends doing the same
And I figured if I could make it here, I could do anything
Then you died; your lungs finally quit—
And I struggled to forgive myself for how selfish I had been all those years
Selfish for leaving home when you and mom needed me most
Selfish for those times I attempted to take my own life while you were fighting for yours
And I still feel you inside of our godawful house, but that doesn't mean I feel any closer to you;
I still feel you everywhere, but I don't feel any closer to you
While I may not be your blood, I will always be your son—your bastard son
And with love and farewell in my lungs, I say, "goodnight"
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4. |
forgive
02:57
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When my dad died, I thought a lot of death—
My own mortality, It felt selfish
Only thought of myself when I had years to prepare for a loss like this
I've been empty, I've been blind, I've wanted to end my life
Instead, I tell myself I'll be just fine
No one envies this, no one envies me
We must forgive ourselves and be proud we're still here
Better days will come
So let's live our days in love
I've never been afraid to cry
I'm comfortable being vulnerable
Sometimes I need to turn the music higher than my anxiety
Depression is a silent killer—doubt, fear, and shame rip through my bones
I've survived attempts on my own life, on my own terms, in my own ways, in my worst times
No one envies this, no one envies me
We must forgive ourselves and be proud we're still here
Better days will come
So let's live our days in love
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5. |
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Fragile Bird Boston, Massachusetts
Music is healing.
Spokenwordcore forever.
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