This all came to me in a dream! A feeling so tantalizing it kept me awake for hours A feeling so unintelligible it kept me from truly understanding my purpose A feeling so intense that I momentarily forgot how to breathe… It's so hard to forget pain [1] It’s so hard to forget love Pain is temporary - love persists - so it's said Pain is exponential - love dwells Whether or not that’s a positive, I’ll never know Can you feel my heart? [2] Can you see how much I give to everyone around me? Who knows what anyone truly needs from me Who knows what anyone truly needs aside from a little love So let this be a remedy for ringing ears - and other eccentricities Our lives are filled with various forms of grief and despair It can feel impossible to compartmentalize which is most important I’m thinking about love [3] - just thinking about love And just thinking about love is enough to drive a wise man insane But then there are plenty of other things that drive us insane as well I know I’ve got my priorities out of line when all I’m wondering is if the world were ending, Would you kiss me, or just leave me? [4] If love is love, get lost in it - be born again If love is love, get lost in it - be born again If love is love, get lost in it - be born again You can say anything You can do anything You can say anything You can do anything But you can't fake a thought [5] And that thought is love You're the weight I'll always carry [6] You'll never walk alone My heart is on my sleeve I’ll soon be turned to stone You're the weight I'll always carry You'll never walk alone My heart is on fire with rejoice I’ll soon be torn to the bone My heart is on my sleeve - I’ll soon be turned to stone My heart is on fire with rejoice - I’ll soon be torn to the bone “You can no more make someone tell the truth than you can force someone to love you.” [7] That’s the sort of thing that keeps me up at night The anxiety-filled dissociation of convincing yourself that love is one way When, in reality, it is many other things Much of which is vastly disappointing or upsetting. My heart and head palpitate considering the world And where I fall into it and how my love has been used and misused And how my trust has been used and misused While I’ve never claimed to be perfect, [8] I have made my fair share of mistakes But at the end of things, all I have ever wanted is to be loved For who I am - not what someone thought I should be Your love will be safe with me [9] And if love is love, get lost in it - be born again If love is love, get lost in it - be born again If love is love, get lost in it - be born again - References 1 - Chuck Palahniuk book, “Diary” 2 - Bring Me the Horizon song 3 - Slowdive song, “Falling Ashes” 4 - Panic! At the Disco song, “Do You Know What I’m Seeing?” 5 - Iain Reid book, “I’m Thinking of Ending Things” 6 - Silent Planet song, “Visible Unseen” 7 - Philip Roth book, “Portnoy's Complaint” 8 - Yes, yes I have. Many times. But I’m trying to stay humble. 9 - Bon Iver song, “re: Stacks”

I’ve developed an abusive relationship with an inanimate object [1] A cyclical pattern of worship, curiosity, and pain Many men like me suffer from the same abuse Although I don’t think many others would label it as ‘abuse’ (that way) But I’m not like most men, I can see the issue for what it is While it might be a fraught ritual for some - for others it’s the perfect release [2] I keep being drawn back to it But like a wave, I’m pulled away again By keeping my masculinity performative, I’m destined for disappointment It’s like a death by falling appliance [3] Unwanted, yet powerfully poetic Unforeseen, yet incredibly apt I’m always searching for a pulse in the worth of the world [4] But my existence does not assume the value of a solution The answer isn’t important What’s important is our patience What’s more is our desire to be accepted My body and brain fight to make sure that no other man can see through my attempts to self-actualize and transcend the norms we’re expected to uphold Instead of being unique - we fall in line and hope no one finds out that we have no idea what we’re doing No one knows what they’re doing. No one knows what they’re doing. And that’s fine. Men will drive an unnecessary 900 miles in their lifetime before asking for directions [5] first off, that’s fucking hilarious but it’s the inability to be in control, to prove oneself correct, to admit a lack of knowledge that is so troubling - after all, the roads we meander were meticulously made to be followed in a system of lefts and rights but we deal in rights and wrongs - and it’s a wonder why I feel like I never belong The troubling part of power is the constant fear of it being stripped away But if something has the potential to be so easily disrupted, Then what was the point? Where was the stability to begin with? Where was the accountability for such power to be given so freely? Such privilege wasted on the fallacy of masculinity This is a telegram [6] to men! Dear men - Stop. A telegram to men - Please listen - for once. Listen. The inmates run the asylum! We want the control, we are unwilling to part with it We feel bound and constrained But no matter the situation, power is already ours It always has been There’s no relinquishing it because our egos couldn’t handle such a loss Stop. A telegram to men - It’s okay to give others the helm Let them lead - be a follower, a teammate, a colleague For women, non-binary folks, and trans individuals are equally - if not more - capable of steering us toward a healthier and more equitable future We just gotta listen to their direction for once And put our stubbornness aside Stop. A telegram to men, Feel - it’s okay to feel Cry - it’s okay to cry Heal - it’s okay to heal Be at peace - it’s okay to be at peace Proceed - proceed with steadfast optimism and a desire to learn more Stop. A telegram to men - Dear men, You are enough. - References: 1 - a computer 2 - internet pornography has become a massive issue for modern men - it’s distorted masculinity in terms of body perception and genuine sexual interaction with another person. While there are healthy ways to utilize pornography, those who regularly access it are often not great at deciphering reality and fantasy. There is a great book about this called, “Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity,” by Robert Jensen - I strongly recommend it. 3 - Fargo (TV Series) & The Good Place (TV series) 4 - La Dispute/Touche Amore split 5 - Liz Plank book, “For the Love of Men” 6 - Saul Williams song, “Telegram”

Please pick up the phone [1] - my generation is on the brink And we need you, we need you to pick up the phone We have been saddled with debt and doubt And a degradation of hope is our destiny Without hope, what is there left? What is there left when all our effort is for nothing? We put our faith in you, you turned a profit [2] We try so hard and get nowhere in the end An economy on the brink of collapse because of the greed of the few There’s no going back When I was young I had dreams of being a someone [3] But then I signed my life away for an unknown future, took out a loan that would end up owning me Who knows if it’ll ever be paid? It’ll probably follow me to the grave like everything else I leave behind This isn’t okay - it’s never been okay But it’s happening nonetheless This is what happens when a system fails its people This is what happens when a country fails an entire generation But can you even call this a country? [4] Can you even call this a generation? if all its people are broken, if the system was only built to satisfy the few The system is rigged against us - the system is rigged. It’s easy when you are successful to think that you did it all by yourself And it’s so easy to forget that you didn't. You got there because a lot of things broke your way [5] Those breaks don’t come easily for the rest of us There was never a plan - there was never backup, not for this My entire life has been spent wondering if I’m ever going to be okay Financially, emotionally, and physically No one should have to live with such worry But worry is all I’ve ever known Just once, it would be nice to know what comfort felt like Just once, it would be nice to know how to breathe without panic Just once, it would be nice to know how to succeed in the likes of the few There’s no going back This goddamn machine - hungry and heartless Feeding and preying on the wallets and pockets of the many There’s no going back to a simpler time because one does not exist That’s the current trajectory we’re on - Spiraling, spiraling out [6] of control “Keep going, keep going” they tell us but provide no direction Please pick up the phone - my generation is on the brink And we need you to accept the charges we’ve inherited It’s a societal obituary; a will and testament explaining, “There’s no going back to a simpler time because one does not exist” The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even the past [7] It’s merely a time in which we felt things were simpler I’ve heard that, “the greatest wealth is to live content with little” [8] I’ve only ever known little and I don’t think I’ve ever known ‘content’ My father worked his entire life and had nothing to show for it Besides credit card debt and cancer and I fear I’m on the same trajectory My only hope is to find an option kinder than cancer for my final days But at this rate, who knows? Who the fuck knows? The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even the past It’s merely a time in which we felt things were simpler But there’s no going back to a simpler time because one doesn’t exist There’s no going back to a simpler time because one doesn’t exist There’s no going back to a simpler time because one doesn’t exist There’s no going back to a simpler time because one doesn’t exist There’s no going back - References: 1 - Between the Buried and Me song, “Proverbial Bellow” 2 - The Wonder Years song, “Cigarettes & Saints” 3 - Right Away! Great Captain song, “Once Like You” 4 - The World is a Beautiful Place song, “Marine Tigers” 5 - Elizabeth Warren 6 - Tool song, “Lateralus” 7 - William Faulkner 8 - Plato

Look What Happened By Accident! Music by mercet I want you to tear your bones out! [1] But then you’ll wonder, “what am I gonna do without my bones?” I get that - it’s a natural response. For sure. But trust me, you’ll grow more bones Better bones! STRONGER BONES! And they’ll think, “Look what happened by accident! [2] All those pesky bones that were holding you back are no longer an issue” You’ll transcend the physical boundaries that once contained you You will metamorphosize into an amoebus godlike creature To be praised and revered, not feared I can’t promise that everyone will accept you Acceptance is not necessarily the easiest thing to achieve these days But you will be one-of-one - a true individual You charge forward with head held high, trumpeting defiance [3] For the sake of a life well-lived - and death unforeseen And I will shout, “Let us die! Just let us die already! Let us die!” [4] In dying we will find that out cause of death is the pursuit of perfection Upon dying, we will be remembered as people who simply tried our best Not as the failures and fakes [5] we obsessed over until our eyes bled Staring at image after image of body and face and physique that we sought to acquire It’s ill-gotten but well-conceived - we’re conditioned to this sort of shame A shame so pure and uncut that we become easily addicted To harming ourselves and starving ourselves In hopes that we can look the way we think we’re supposed to look But like, in reality, that is how we are - we are who we are We are supposed to look how we look Our bones are not meant be refashioned nor our skin tailored to satisfy a disorder A disorder I wish I could say hasn’t taken over my life But damn, I’m still afraid of the mirror Pinching and pulling, stretching and concealing - it’s all a game Larger shirts, layers, lack of motivation - depression It’s all a game and I’m missing every bucket, missing every pitch I’m guilty of everything [6] and this life is a bitch I keep telling myself it won’t be like this forever It won’t be like this forever, it won’t be like this forever I won’t be like this forever But who am I kidding? This is who I am - I am who I am I am what I’m supposed to be and still, I hate it I hate myself sometimes but then, at times, I love myself [7] This grand contradiction in life reveals such an emptiness inside But I try to remind myself that my imperfections are what make me me I cannot be free to love others until I’ve learned to love myself So I celebrate myself, and sing myself [8] I accept my body for what it can achieve Not for how I feel it should look In spite of self-grief, I persist and love who I have become and continue to evolve into There has been no accident here, we are no accident There has been no accident here, we are no accident We are not fakes We are not our failures. We are love. We are love. [9] And we’ll be fine. I promise. _ 1 - Dikembe song, “24 Karats” 2 - Family Guy (TV series) - S04E04, “Don’t Make Me Over” 3 - K.A. Applegate book, <Megamorphs #1>: “The Andalite’s Gift” 4 - mewithoutYou song, “Bullet to Binary” 5 - The Ongoing Concept song, “Failures & Fakes” 6 - Nothing album (2014) 7 - Taproot song, “I” 8 - Walt Whitman book, “Leaves of Grass” 9 - La Dispute song, “The Castle Builders”

We all die. But the goal isn't to live forever - the goal is to create something that will [1] Something that will persist and exist in this world long after we are gone But what happens if our creation becomes undone? Now, there’s a lot of privilege in being able to exist without the fear or thought of death And pride takes control when we think we’ve got it all figured out That sort of reality check is helpful when you forget where you stand That said - no fear of dying keeps me alive [2] The fear of failure, however - can be debilitating And the things that feel right only last for so long No matter what happens, death could come at any time Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow [3] Only death is real [4] It’s the only guarantee we’re given in this life When I was young I learned that everyone I loved would fade to gray [5] I didn’t question it much until I experienced my first loss They’ve been stacked up ever since So I have a much better understanding of death these days I know that death could come at any time So I feel like I gotta keep one eye looking over my shoulder Cuz I know it's gonna get harder - harder and harder as I get older [6] Anxiety swirls and swarms around me like a typhoon Ready to make contact with land and I’m unprepared to face the reality That someday I’ll be gone, someday I’ll be gone, someday I’ll be gone [7] Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I’ve come to terms with my imperfections So I won’t deny that I’ve played a part in my own undoing It’s just that I know how hard it is to put everything into something And then feel like you’ve got nothing to show for it I’ve come to terms with my mortality That acknowledgement doesn’t stop me from living life on my terms Because there’s only so much I can change before I don’t know who I am anymore Nothing happens for a reason And I’m learning to be okay with that It honestly makes no difference whether I live or die - I just don’t wanna be remembered for my weakness, fear, or pride I don’t wanna be remembered for my insecurities or lies Honestly, death may be the only absolute freedom I can find [8] Maybe this will get sorted out tomorrow I tend to get a little caught up in the context - [9] Adding more words and scenarios instead of embracing the silence I fill the voids with impatience and noise at the fear of simply disappearing If I’m not the center of attention for one fucking moment So yeah - I get stuck in my head and often wish I were dead But I face the world with a smile Since that’s more comfortable for everyone else Because it’s easy to convince people you are okay If they don’t have to hear what rattles you in the private silence of your own making [10] After all, death comes over us like no surprise [5] I just don’t wanna be remembered for my weakness, fear, or pride I don’t wanna be remembered for my insecurities or lies Nothing happens for a reason, nothing happens for a reason Nothing happens for a reason we just end, we just end WE JUST END [11] And I’m learning to be okay with that - References: 1 - Chuck Palahniuk book, “Diary” 2 - The Dear Hunter song, “No God” 3 - Isle McElroy short story, “There Are No Footprints Today” 4 - Stray from the Path album (2017) 5 - oldsoul song, “Like No Surprise” 6 - Pink Floyd song, “Dogs” 7 - B: The Beginning (anime series) 8 - Neon Genesis Evangelion (anime series) 9 - An understatement 10 - Hanif Abdurraqib book, “They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us” 11 - I heard this phrase from someone in passing at a record store in Louisville and it’s stuck with me ever since. Just the idea of ending - being gone - and not existing anymore has always been an unreal idea to me but as the piece explains, I’ve become more and more comfortable with the thought and I think I am okay with it now.

When society is made up of men who know no inner solitude, It can no longer be held together by love Consequently, it is held together by a violent and abusive authority But when men are violently deprived of solitude and freedom, the society in which they live becomes putrid and it festers with sycophancy, resentment and hate [1] So find me in the silence [2] and let us bring comfort to one another and learn in solitude For in those silent moments between the noise, we can truly be at peace But without access to true chaos, we'll never know true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better. [3] Words are the conflict between silence and silence - Between the silence and noise and the silence of our own being. When we have really met and known the world in silence, words do not separate us from the world nor from others Nor from ourselves because we no longer trust entirely in language to contain reality [1] It just goes to show that some words are useless… [4] we will never hear anything [5], never become anything and in the end - because we have said everything before we had anything to say - we will be left speechless when our words actually hold weight But our rhetoric won’t raise the dead [6] in a world slowly fading away - References: 1 - Thomas Merton book, “Thoughts in Solitude” - This entire piece is built around and inspired by Thomas Merton quotes. During college, I took a Spiritual Autobiography course and we read a lot of Thomas Merton - I eventually even took a week-long silent retreat on my own in the woods of Oregon to spend time trying to be comfortable with silence and being alone. It was terribly difficult but it was something that changed my life. I’ve been going back to this experience a lot in my “older” age - just wishing I took more time for peace within the chaos. 2 - Silent Planet song, “In Absence” 3 - Chuck Palahnuik book, “Choke” 4 - The Devil Wears Prada song, “Dez Moines” 5 - My mom used to tell me I’ll never be able to hear the voice of G_d because I’m too busy talking all the time, which was equally funny and sort of true - I was a loud kid and I totally understood where she was coming from - even as I’ve lost my faith I still think about this when I find myself trying to appreciate the quiet and calm of a morning or evening. Just something I’ve always taken for granted and I’m trying to be better at practicing solitude. 6 - Thrice song, “The Artist in the Ambulance”

I remember sitting on Mauricio’s [1] bedroom floor, watching him play NCAA college football [2] - but I had no idea how to play video games. I remember sitting and listening to Thursday’s “War all the Time” [3] As it taught me about the world and how we all fall into it I remember supporting Mauricio’s decision to drop out of college [4] To go to culinary school, to follow his dream I remember envying having that sort of tenacity, to have a dream to begin with I remember, I remember those days so vividly I just wanted to see him succeed That’s what I want for all of us I want nothing but the best for us We all succeed when we uplift and support each other My partner is not a competitive person and reminds me constantly That we aren’t in any sort of competition - with anyone, with each other, ever That’s the sort of reminder I need because for years I beat my body down I beat my body and bones down to a dust - a fine powder [5] But I’m much too young to have such weary bones [6] I’m much too young to have such weary bones Forever remembering the strain of feeling alone Forever remembering the strain of feeling alone all those times I felt it was me versus the world But here I am, ready to tame this ever-anxious feeling in my gut A feeling I’ve lived with for far too long A feeling I’ve tried to explain but end up mute No words can describe how wrong I’ve been about solidarity It’s time to shift my mind to be more comfortable with failure, adjusting expectations, moving on, and making amends There’s only so much time we have on this earth There’s only this, there’s only this, only this, only this… Only when the clock stops does time come to life Only when the clock stops does time come to life [7] That’s William Faulkner - I think he was onto something I think we’re all onto something Let’s chase that feeling. Let’s never stop dreaming. Let’s lift each other up and never stop dreaming. - References: 1 - One of my childhood best friends - still one of my best friends, and one of the best people/chefs I’ve ever known 2 - Video game series 3 - Post-hardcore album (2003) 4 - Hey, college isn’t for everyone and he learned that quickly - so I supported whichever avenue he needed to take to be successful and find fulfillment in life. 5 - I used to run myself ragged with exercise and self-competition and comparing myself to others. It became impossible to conceptualize how it made me feel to not be better than everyone when it came to running and taking care of myself. I truly wasn’t taking care of myself. 6 - Paul Tremblay book, “A Head Full of Ghosts” 7 - William Faulkner book, “The Sound and the Fury”

You reached out to me with a hand covered in blood A hand pierced - as though to say, “I am holy” But I am not. You might be, but I am not. Your words were heard but not felt and I am ashamed for that. Maybe I’m just feeling crushed, [1] And I’m certainly in no rush to have a boulder removed from my chest [2] This is my destiny - I feel I know the rest. So strange how we move [3] Slippery, slithery, and serpentine Like an elusive wave of childishness, listlessness, and defiance See, for while you played the flute, no one was dancing [4] - not even me Since the things that once made me happy are no longer enough I’ve never enjoyed the taste of water but the drips coming from your lips are enticing me to change this perspective The stale air does nothing to cover how naked I feel these days So trapped in my skin, failing in many ways Now and then, I track all the days, And get lost in the place where I let you all down [5] Baptize me in the sun of a melting day I wanna know how the vampires live I wanna know, I wanna know Baptize me in the water of a dying ocean I wanna know how the turtles and sharks live I wanna know, I wanna know To allow myself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, [6] to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times. I am so guilty of these concerns, and am coming undone But I guess I’ll keep a good heart - after all, the worst is yet to come So please just sing me one more line so I can sleep [7] Sing me one more line so I can sleep Sing me one more line so I can sleep This is all I need. All I need is some goddamn sleep. Wake up - Don’t break faith with your heart, witches still witness in the graveyard, there are clouds over Salem and the ground cries out, but the ghost of Essex County still haunts the town, and to the gallows go those most aren’t sure about and we are still banning books right now. I’ve been reading about it. Between belief and “I doubt it,” There’s a kid in fine print that nobody asked or asterisked back when they started politicking the ballot. I got lost in the callus — the pressed down press down — I couldn’t find a way to bring kindness to malice, so I built a wall around myself and now I’m safe. I’m invincible. I’m invisible to everyone else. I’m finally safe, I’m safe. I can’t be touched, I can’t be held. I can’t be loved, I can’t be felt. I’m safe. I can’t be seen, I can’t be helped. I’m safe. I can’t believe the shell I became as soon as I saw your face: I-Thou — make us safe. Armor us up until we can’t be found. I wake up every day to the sound of threat and not-enough-ness: Afraid to pray in case you take away all that I love with a baptism of fire — Will you burn me at the stake? Are you with me in the flames? Are you the flames? Am I okay? I’m safe. Take my sword and lay me down. I’m safe. Wake me up and let me out. Now I want you to baptize me in a pool of salt and broken glass, I wanna know the pain you felt Baptize me in a pool of salt and broken glass, I wanna know the pain you felt BAPTIZE ME, BAPTIZE ME Baptize me, baptize me --- References: 1 - Giles Corey, “Empty Churches” 2 - Giles Corey was tried as a witch in the Salem Witch Trials and was pressed to death with boulders 3 - As Cities Burn song, “Tides” 4 - mewithoutYou song, “Torches Together” 5 - Caspian song, “Nostalgist” 6 - Thomas Merton - just a brilliant stanza that fuels the heart of this piece 7 - The Bled song, “The Last American Cowboy”

What would Venus [2] think of all we’ve done in her name? Her name, which has been besmirched by the likes of perversion and insolent amateurs Everybody has a story to tell - everybody has a body to sell Everybody says sex is obscene but the only true obscenity is war. [3] The war over women’s bodies is controlled by charlatans and crooks The war against sexual liberation rages just as bad as it looks This war impacts every heart that beats - whether known or unknown This war beats with every heart impacted - known or unknown This war, disappointing as it is, is not surprising I’m no longer surprised by the failures of men Are you a good man? Cuz I am a good man - does a good man take you home? [4] Because a good man is hard to find [5] You always get the other kind [6] I just want to be a better man I want to be a better partner I want to fall in love and hold nothing back [7] Every heart yearns for another’s warm embrace - ablaze with love Every heart stings for a moment - awash with disappointment thereof Bukowski said, “Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.” [8] Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet. [9] A poet, no doubt, with words uncompromised A poet, no doubt, uncompromised by words Whatsoever you believe in defines you Those words, as a poet, define you - I should know The heart knows what it deserves - so it goes Every heart sings, every heart stings, every heart yearns Every heart sings, every heart stings, every heart yearns So it goes - References: 1 (Title) - Cowboy Bebop (anime series) 2 - Roman goddess of love, sex, fertility 3 - Henry Miller, “Tropic of Cancer” 4 - Right Away, Great Captain song, “Down to Your Soul” 5 - Flannery O’Connor short story 6 - Eddie Green song, “A Good Man is Hard to Find” 7 - Copeland song, “Hold Nothing Back” 8 - Charles Bukowski 9 - Plato

There’s nothing in this world to believe in [1] The earth is the sun - and we’re burning alive No possibility of how to thrive No true vision of how to survive A life without problems may be more hopeless than one constantly filled with pain Only those who have had to face despair are convinced they deserve mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it [2] When the lights go out, are you tossing in your sleep? [3] I lie awake at night - listening to Caspian on repeat Considering morality and what else I should know A fragile bird like me, wondering, “where did you go?” Your eulogy is like poetry [4] but I don’t know what the words mean I’ve seen them before, but in this structure, they are truly indecipherable and foreign to me There’s nothing in this world to believe in - I know No god could teach me what my father did No promise of Heaven kept me warm when my mother tucked me in [5] There’s nothing in this world to believe in The earth is the sun and I am well aware that my hopelessness is grounded in a search for truth A truth that I know full-well is a journey not best fit for one So we lay before you with all the emptiness that eats your life [6] And try our best to find happiness within little victories along the way But we should not justify life by linking happy moments into a rosary [7] Nothing is meant to be Humanity is stretched long, constantly charting imaginary cartographies For which we carve out new paths of discoveries I fell apart - that’s where I went; I lost my way I reflect on the years I was so blinded by a faith that I took out my judgements on others without looking inward at the fraud I couldn’t face Everything that was, has been - everything to come, never was Until we manifest it into the world and bring it to fruition It’s a motive for adventure and incentive for reinventing who we once were In hopes of creating something in this world to believe in The earth is the sun - of which we all fall under So, wonder - go on and wonder [8] There’s only such little time for us to create We all leave - just as we came - without a sound [9] So wander, go on and wander wherever you will Go and face the mirror - see what you’ve become After all, mankind's greatest fear is mankind itself [6] If you’re looking for an answer from G_d, there will be nothing And let it be known that this is what you'll get for falling out of line [10] So don’t try to change the world But try to change your world - In subtle, small ways that remain internal and known only to you [11] Create something in this world to believe in In the long run, that creation can be the most meaningful. After all, it can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life [12] Create something in this world to believe in Remember there’s only so much we can change before we don’t know who we are anymore There’s only so much we can change before we don’t know who we are anymore - References: 1 - Cowboy Bebop (anime series) 2 - Thomas Merton book, “No Man Is an Island” 3 - Valleyheart song, “Kids from Cavalry” 4 - Showbread song, “Mouth Like a Magazine” 5 - The Dear Hunter song, “No God” 6 - The Sound of Animals Fighting song, “The Heraldic Beak of the Manufacturer’s Medallion” 7 - Neon Genesis Evangelion (anime series) 8 - William Faulkner, The Sound and the Fury 9 - Circa Survive song, “Meet Me in Montauk” 10 - As Cities Burn song, “Bloodsucker, pt. II” 11 - Chris Gethard memoir, “Lose Well” 12 - Chuck Palahniuk book, “Snuff”

There sure isn’t a lot of clarity these days - I tell ya what I’ve felt the fog growing thicker and thicker and it multiplies as the days drag on. Disdain covers me like a haze that won’t fizzle away. This all feels so dreary, but so it goes [1] Depression manifests in many ways and currently it’s blurring my vision. So I’m parting the sea between brightness and me [2] Because the future is a little unclear right now And I don't know what else I have left to offer. I know the offering likely will not be something of value but I await it nonetheless. And yet, I’m convinced I’m destined to settle for something less than my worth This is how desperate I’ve become. Any hope is a way to cope, I suppose. I’ve been here before; a new medicine could help heal this pain [3] But right now I’m trying to remember what it felt like to succeed In the face of overwhelming doom and gloom. What this all comes down to is recognizing that we all struggle The more we tell ourselves that we should always be happy, the worse it gets [4] and if others can't see that I’m not well, to hell with them [5] Because I want to watch it all fall until it's dark [6] And while the clouds cover whatever brightness I once felt, I’m convinced I may never see the sun again Any hope is a way to cope, I suppose. Will I ever be half what I can be? Can I ever be half what I can be? [7] Who’s to say? Who’s to say? The reality is that I’m dying and I don’t want anyone to know [8] Everything comes down to trying harder to fight the sad That great big motherfucking sad [9] that sucks me in And teaches me all I need to know - about myself and my limits Any hope is a way to cope, I suppose. Any hope is a way to cope, I suppose. I have grown more comfortable with my own hypocrisy now that I’ve experienced the hypocrisy of others. It’s unbeknownst to me when I will feel comfortable in my skin again But I’m trying, I’m trying - I promise I’m trying It’s the least I could do I’ve made a number of promises to myself lately And one of those is to give myself a chance Even when I don’t think I deserve it That’s probably a sign that I need it more - in that moment - than ever It’s the least I could do Sometimes I climb out of bed in the morning and think, I'm not going to make it, but I laugh inside — remembering all the times I've felt that way [10 ] - References: 1 - Kurt Vonnegut novel, “Slaughterhouse-Five” 2 - Touche Amore album (2011) 3 - Dead Poetic song, “New Medicines” 4 - Iain Reid novel, “I'm Thinking of Ending Things” 5 - From Indian Lakes song, “Fog” 6 - Manchester Orchestra song, “Cope” 7 - La Dispute song, “Fulton Street I” 8 - Fragile Bird piece, “I MIGHT DISSOLVE” 9 - Alan Gnade chapbook, “The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting the Big Motherfuckin' Sad” 10 - Charles Bukowski