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Bastard Son

from Farewell by Fragile Bird

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lyrics

I AM FATHERLESS
Adopted, abandoned, alone
Your absence is an invisibility cloak of forever—and I don't feel any closer to you here

I replay that last week with you over and over in my head.
I flew back to Oregon just to watch you slowly deteriorate before my eyes

There was nothing we could do except make you feel comfortable.
And I tried to glean as much as I could from you during that week

You taught me not to fear death, you taught me that life is temporary
You taught me about your favorite Marty Robbins song, and when I got home I gave "Big Iron" a spin and I wept

Because I would never listen to it with you again

You taught me the stories behind all of his songs
I would listen as your face beamed with joy, reliving the days when you weren't in pain and you could just listen to music

I feel that pain today

Because there's not enough of me to go around these days
I'm sleeping less and crying more than I'd like to admit

I miss the days when everything was vibrant
Because when you died, my depression and anxiety amplified and the thoughts of killing myself worsened as I struggled to find work
But you always told me that anyone would be happy to have me
Yet I felt like I had nothing without you

And luckily, luckily I gave up drinking a few years ago in hopes that I could feel anything again.
Now I wear these X's like badges of honor from an invisible war that may never end

Now, being sober means I think much clearer.
And I think of the times you told me I was too stubborn to quit but I'm so glad I did

Quitting saved my life

You always told me that you had wished you'd quit smoking before you even began and it made me think of how much I stood to gain by giving up alcohol.

Hell, I was able to reconnect with you the last few years of your life—
No more shame of MY double life, no more keeping track of the lies

But it wasn't enough to keep me honest

So I moved to Massachusetts to get a fresh start
Cuz I saw none of my friends doing the same
And I figured if I could make it here, I could do anything

Then you died; your lungs finally quit—
And I struggled to forgive myself for how selfish I had been all those years
Selfish for leaving home when you and mom needed me most
Selfish for those times I attempted to take my own life while you were fighting for yours

And I still feel you inside of our godawful house, but that doesn't mean I feel any closer to you;
I still feel you everywhere, but I don't feel any closer to you

While I may not be your blood, I will always be your son—your bastard son
And with love and farewell in my lungs, I say, "goodnight"

credits

from Farewell, released July 14, 2017

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Fragile Bird Boston, Massachusetts

Music is healing.
Spokenwordcore forever.

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