I wrote this while lying on the floor of my living room
Staring up at the cosmos of my spinning ceiling fan [1]
My cats picked at me as if I were lifeless
Oh, how intuitive those beasts can be

Because the reality is that I’m dying
And I don’t want anyone to know
That this pain in my chest just won’t leave me alone [2]
There’s no such thing as a painless lesson [3]
And I’m learning that every day I’m learning it the hard way

Oh, the things we do to stay alive [4]
Oh, the things we do just to survive

I might dissolve, I might devour myself
I shouldn’t be left alone like this
This isolation takes its toll on me [5]
This quarantine ain’t what it’s cracked up to be
Oh, the things we do to stay alive

I might dissolve if you keep saying the shit you’re saying

Your voice intoxicates me like the gin and tonics I used to drown myself in
While reciting Whitman [6] in hopes of getting someone to sleep with me
That was during college, when I was a mess - when I was chaos
when I didn’t know how to talk about my problems

So I avoided them - I avoided everything
And I kept it all within,
Granted myself the ability to annihilate
Every inch of whatever sanity I could muster

That was then, this is now
Oh, the things we do to just survive

I know i'm not alone just feel alone today
I just wanna say fuck anxiety
Gotta convince my brain this is temporary [7]

There are many days where I can’t figure out
What’s going on in my head - what’s going on in my heart
There are so many days where I wake up and
Wanna go back to bed - but i can’t

My body won’t let me - it’s conditioned to the pain
Luckily, i’m better at taking deep breaths
Whenever i get frustrated
It seems to happen more and more each day

Oh, the things we do to stay alive

And at times like this I recognize the cleverness of God
His sense of humor, mocking me [8]
I’m remiss - and I’m reminded [9] of how this is where hypocrisy lives —
In my bones; where, I’m unsure if I’ve ever truly felt a spirit dwell [10]

Oh, the things we do to stay alive
Oh, the things we do to just survive
Oh, the things we do to stay alive
Oh, the things we do to survive

‪"Love the earth and sun and animals,‬
‪Despise riches, give food to everyone that asks,‬
‪Stand up for the stupid and crazy,‬
‪Devote your income and labor to others…‬
‪Re-examine all you have been told ‬
‪at school or church or in any book;‬
‪Dismiss whatever insults your own soul;‬
‪And your very flesh shall be a great poem.”‬ [11]


REFERENCES:
1 - I don't own a ceiling fan
2 - I've suffered from anxiety attacks for most of my adult life; this song is meant to mirror one
3 - Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood (anime)
4 - City and Colour, "Day Old Hate"
5 - Self-isolation and stay-at-home orders across the world during the COVID-19 pandemic have made it increasingly difficult to take care of my mental health.
6 - Walt Whitman (American poet)
7 - A common phrase in the suicide prevention/depression awareness world
8 - my song, "Birth - or, Something akin to it"
9 - Pianos Become the Teeth, "Bay of Dreams"
10 - Losing my faith a few years back was one of the most humbling experiences
11 - Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass"