If G_d were good, it would make its creations happy, if G_d were almighty, it would do as it wished. But the creations are not happy - no, we are not happy Therefore, G_d lacks either goodness, power, or both. [1] And I don’t have the energy to decipher which is true I’m always ten seconds from crying Survival isn’t easy but I’m trying We are not unique [2] - we all suffer Just in different ways - every single day And I will not apologize for merely existing Anyone can stay hopeful while feeding on the joy of others So I'm sitting on my hands, figuring out what comes next for me While searching for an answer in the ether; With no guarantee that one will ever materialize The Problem of pain is thinking we’re alone in it The Problem of pain is thinking at all I will not let my pain define me I will not let my pain define me I will not let my pain define me I will not let my pain find me I choose relief, i choose to live [3] Cuz in times of despair, I need more than thoughts and your prayers I choose to take action and find healing through Therapy, community, and self reflection The problem of pain is our bodies are at war with our brain Our brains look at our bodies as a means to an end The body drags around the brain until we die And until we die, we are left to reconcile the two without an answer And i’m learning to be okay with that For most of my life, i’ve identified with pretending to be strong More than actually being strong, but i’ll find a way to heal The Problem of pain is thinking we’re alone in it Oh, the things we do to stay alive The Problem of pain is thinking we’re alone in it Oh, the things we do to survive We are not unique - we all suffer You are not alone [4], you have everyone We are not unique - we all suffer I am not alone, I have everyone All we have is our voice and all we can hope is that someone will listen [5] All we have is our voice and all we can hope is that someone will listen References: 1 - CS Lewis, "The Problem of Pain" 2 - Jerry Jordison, "We Are Not Unique: A Discussion on Spirituality" 3 - A Perfect Circle, "Gravity" 4 - Saosin, "You're Not Alone" 5 - Art of Survival - "Move or Die," Molly Mitchell

There are some days where I don't know if I'll wake up It is what it is I haven’t called my mother in a year Not even to check in on her mental health — It is what it is I write to remember [1] that my pain is real and I am not alone in that I just need you to fucking care [2] Many like me suffer in silence For fear of seeming weak For fear of seeming unstable For fear of being alone I am so full of fear that my body and bones Can hold me up anymore I am so full of fear that I don’t even know If I’m myself anymore It is what it is One of the greatest tragedies in life is the ability to feel [3] It’s also what makes us human So i’m conflicted - And forgive me if I’m being too pessimistic but that’s sort of my brand right now The world is melting around us and all I can think about is myself and these feelings [4] And how I’m so tied up in my own world And my own fear That I can’t possibly be bothered by anyone else’s problems And yes, that’s selfish but it’s how I feel And yes, that’s disgusting but it’s how I feel How i feel, how i feel, how i feel is what it is So yes, I feel because i’m human not in spite of the fear The fear is excruciating, but therein lies the answer [5] The answer may guide me and the fear may be inviting But the fear is only the beginning Everything else is extra credit What more do you want from me? Many people think sending thoughts and prayers and love Is enough to comfort in times of despair But that ain’t true— Survival isn’t easy, survival can be messy Survival takes recognizing sometimes you must ask for help Fear is what divides us - It is what it is Love is not enough [6] to keep ourselves alive It is what it is Fear is what binds us - It is what it is Love is not enough to keep our friends alive [7] It is what it is I might sound like a broken record but this is just how i feel I feel we have forgotten what it means to love [8] And that truth lies in where we hide [9] Oh, how shameful we’ve become [8] Yet we are meant to believe the world revolves around us - We don’t know any better That expectation has lead to the fear of it all being taken away That fear is what guides us today The pain we feel today Will slowly begin to fade away The pain we feel today Will slowly begin to fade away References: 1 - At The Drive-In, "One Armed Scissor" 2 - "I need you to fucking care" was initially going to be the title of this album 3 - Dev Tahillini (spiritual author) 4 - Something I think about every day is how little we seem to care about larger issues in the world because we're so self-centered 5 - Red Sparowes album 6 - Owen, "Love is not Enough" 7 - As Cities Burn, "Timothy" 8 - My song, "Strange Tongues" 9 - HRVRD, "Ghost"

I've shed a lot of water over you [1] - I never wanted to watch you die I had love and farewell in my lungs, but then the light left your eyes How does one prepare for an out of body experience? How does one prepare for this? I replay that last week with you over and over in my head I watched you survive when others would surely die I thought of the days when everything was vibrant And yet, I do not have a vivid memory of you healthy You never complained And I truly think you were in control the entire time— You were never afraid of death, it was inevitable Cuz life is temporary Now I only dream of you, you haunt me in my sleep But you're not dreaming anymore, I know; Empty eyes can't see me—I know [1] I've never been afraid to cry, and I'm crying more than I'd like to admit Better days will come but I don't feel any closer to you here How does one prepare for this? How does one prepare for this? I was wrong when I said I'd be over this by morning - I was wrong There's not enough of me to go around these days - I was wrong. I was wrong. I can be vulnerable, I can be a lot of things— I feel your pain today I still feel you inside of our godawful house [1] but I don't feel any closer to you; And I guess if there's one thing I regret, It’s how selfish I had been all those years Only thought of myself when I had years to prepare for a loss like this No one envies this, no one envies me No one envies this, no one envies me I must forgive myself and be proud I'm still here, Carrying on your memory — Carrying on your memory You weren't perfect but you were there for me You weren't perfect but you were there for me How does one prepare for an out of body experience? How does one prepare for this? How does one prepare for this? How does one prepare for an out of body experience? How does one prepare for this? How does one prepare for this? Your bones were done for, we left you alone You finally let go, you finally let go I don't feel any closer to you here [1] REFERENCES: * The words in this piece are largely carried over from my "Farewell" EP, anything specific that isn't an original line from me is listed below 1 - Pianos Become the Teeth, "Enamor Me"

You took my hand, wrote the word, “gentleman” [1] Said it was your favorite song I cried myself to sleep - Knowing i would never be enough Tattooed an X on my wrist [2] Took a pledge to fight injustice So I gave up the gospel, Knowing it’d never be enough for me No one goes home anymore You told me to look straight ahead And to never look back [3] If I did, you’d never speak to me again I didn’t even sneak a peek Spit in my hand, ran it through my hair Took dirt from the ground, applied it to my face Readied myself for the end But the end never came No one goes home anymore You told me it meant nothing It was just a game you’d played I tore myself apart Wishing I didn’t feel the same Nothing feels better than being proven right Even if that right unearths being wronged The knowing is validation The validation is everything No one goes home anymore You weren’t there for me when I called [4] A betrayal of trust, neglect of love Oft consorting with others, a change of pace Parlor games and a lack of grace Kicked myself for believing Kicked myself for believing you would change Confounded by grief and disdain Joylessly, I wept for a union once so strong No one goes home anymore REFERENCES: 1 - mewithoutYou, "Gentleman" 2 - I have many X's on me now - they symbolize my years of sobriety 3 - Lot's wife in Genesis 19 4 - My song, 'Birth - or, Something Akin to it"

Burn this house down to the ground I’m not fooling anyone anymore i hear the voices, they’re screaming endlessly — i’m not fooling anyone anymore The site is that of a plane crash - wreckage lines the streets Patrons kick balls of tar The house lay smoldering, still, the stairs remain intact Although they lead to nowhere I’m not fooling anyone “This isn’t how it was supposed to end,” [1] She says, tearful, favoring her left arm We cry in each other’s embrace, falling asleep The house is tall, they say - some say it’s more like a castle The house does not have a single brick out of place The house is sacred; it is an art form And forever we’ve wondered where it came from The house does not shift and it does not sway Nor will it shout and scare rotten children away The house, however, does have a mind of its own The house is sacred; it is an art form I’m not fooling anyone I’m selling my bones to make ends meet Just unsure if it’ll be enough for me I’m breaking my nose to join you Just unsure if it’ll be enough for me [2] The open flame floods into my lungs - I am sinking, I cannot breathe! Oh! Desirable, passionate lover! [3] if I find my way up the stairs, [4] And if I asked you again about my meaning, Would you lose your patience or understand that I am a man of conviction? And if you were all alone and drowning, would I stop singing and try to help you? Would I stop acting like I’m all perfect - and do something to save you? But I’m not fooling anyone I wouldn’t do any of those things I’m a terrible man and I’ve done terrible things I can’t be stopped; no, I won’t be stopped This is just the beginning; there’s no end in sight I can’t be stopped; no, I’ll never be stopped I’ve hurt the ones I love, I’ve hurt the ones I hate I can’t be stopped; No, I won’t be stopped I won’t be forgiven but I won’t be forgotten I won’t be stopped; No, I’ll never be stopped Among these leaves, you and I, we’re spent I’ve seen the storm brewing - it’s in every face that passes me by It’s in every eye, every brow; it’s in how we can never be complete These people, they want me dead, they want me to leave this town But no one will know unless you burn my house down I’ll never be stopped This flood will take me away, this fire will create change [5] It’s so hard to tread with such a weary head I fed them fire, I led them to death To the sea of flame, I resign myself and behold its waves [5] From the beach and its inviting arms, sea breathing broad, convulsively [3], this storm will take me away! I’m not fooling anyone anymore The house is on fire and people gather ‘round To see the ashes of this castle burning down Burning down, burning down, burning down into the ground I fed them fire, I led them to death You couldn’t kill me, not even if you tried There is danger in poison, there is danger everywhere I’m a goddamn fool, I’m not fooling anyone I’m a goddamn fool, I’m not fooling anyone and you can’t punish me cuz you haven’t won There is danger in poison, there is danger everywhere And I won’t be stopped; no, I’ll never be stopped Praying for heaven is no option when you’ve never believed in it or felt you deserved to know The stairs remain intact but they lead to nowhere This is the place where I found Jesus - the same place where I tried to end my life The same place where I am whole, the only place that feels like home The house was a sanctuary; now it cries for rebirth of which we cannot guarantee I fed them fire, I led them to death God, you told me it’d be the same if I were a murderer or a saint You told me it’d be the same if I were a murderer or a saint but i’m not fooling anyone anymore This is the end, follow the stairs - they’ll lead you there This is the end, follow the stairs - they’ll lead you there REFERENCES: *The words in this piece are largely influenced by the Shirley Jackson story, "We Have Always Lived in the Castle." Anything specific that isn't about the story will be listed below. * 1 - Taken from an early college poem, words repurposed 2 - Stanza stems from an early unreleased song, words repurposed 3 - Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass" 4 - The "stairs" metaphor, to me, was originally about Heaven - and what it took to claim your place and climb your way up there. It then morphed into what appears in this song, how the stairs may be all that's left of this house, of this art, of this place that once felt comfortable. The stairs symbolize the end. 5 - Of Saints & Shadows, "Oceans" - my college metal band

Showed up to a wedding dressed for a funeral, [1] Listening to bring me the horizon [2] — Trying to decide whether the new songs were as good as the old songs [3] Trying to understand why anyone makes such drastic changes in their lives But with age comes maturity — With growth comes compromise With access comes responsibility With education comes a voice [4] What we do with this voice is important How we develop and evolve our voice Is pivotal to our influence on others It’s all interconnected and essential to success The future is not guaranteed [5] The future is not promised The future is in crisis The future is unknown Today is what concerns me And that’s what fucks me up the most Today is melting at a rapid rate [6] Within a fire we cannot contain We do not have the resources - we do not have the time And it feels like we’ve lost our chance to save ourselves We keep breaking down out of fear for our future Out of fear of missing out Out of fear Out of fear Out of fear comes insecurity Nothing new is learned out of fear Out of fear comes more fear Nothing new is learned out of fear You ever see a tow Truck towing another tow truck? Well, it’s sorta like that When I break down, i seek another broken person to drag me around Someone who understands where i’m coming from, and knows where I’ve been But I often fear this reliance comes off as a burden I’ve never wanted to be a burden even though i know how much patience it takes to simply be around me Those who I’ve loved and those who I’ve hated All tell me I’m not a burden but I’ve recently struggled to trust that that’s true I faithfully insist that i do not exist [7] - the future is unknown And I think I like it that way I’m becoming more comfortable with what I cannot control So I’m giving up my control and learning to let go I’m learning that someday none of this will matter And that someday I’ll be gone - someday I’ll be gone [8] And I think I like it that way With growth comes the future we are not promised With growth comes an attempt to change the course Of that which we are not guaranteed That was two ways of saying the same thing - But at least its an option of perspective And my hope is that we’re allowed to hold multiple perspectives in the future Because as it stands today, I’m not sure we will be able to even think without fear Nothing new is learned out of fear REFERENCES: 1 - Wore all black to a friend's wedding and felt out of place 2 - UK Metalcore act formed in 2004 3 - Those familiar with the band will attest that the band's recent output doesn't sound anything like the early heavier days. It's controversial in the scene. My partner and I discussed this while arriving to the wedding. 4 - My uncle Bill - RIP 5 - Bill Dyer (self help author) 6 - Because climate change 7 - mewithoutYou, "Messes of Men" 8 - "B: the Beginning" (anime)

Don’t mind me, I’m just passing through Don’t mind me, I’m hiding in plain sight And for the first time in my life, I’m taking chances with my heart But I cannot return to the man I once claimed to be I know I’ve spoken reckless words in my time [1] I can only hope to right my wrongs. I may not be perfect, I may not be honest But I don’t wanna know what I am without you [2]… I hold another’s hand and imagine it as yours [3] My heart is no longer on my sleeve It doesn’t reside inside my chest But I want you to know you’re loved You may not have much to say, But say it anyway, say it anyway, say it anyway [4] You brought me back to life - you gave me a home You have given me comfort in these times I just want you to know that I’m here for you Because I know I don’t deserve anything I’ve never been good at keeping my word I am incomplete, and imperfect I can only hope to develop a new conviction. It’s happening again It’s happening all over again What am I without these scars? What am I without these bruises? [5] What am I without this voice? What am I without these tears? What am I without this heart? May I still find favor in your eyes? [6] There are ghosts in the gravel and I was digging your grave I will provide comfort with six feet of darkness to fill your lungs [7] To think I trusted you when you asked for help I won’t forget, we won’t forget, I won’t forget the sacrifice you made Your memory has given me comfort in these times [6] Stay here with me - will you even remember me? Man is man and always will be - no one can ever take that from me Grace make your way back down to the earth, [8] For those who deserve it - And when you arrive, I’ll meet you in the fire That is burning into the night and engulfing this town with its light What happens if there’s nothing left? REFERENCES: * The words in this piece are references to my "Into the Fire" LP from 2011 -the songs are available on this bandcamp page. I'll share anything of note below * 1 - Proverbs 12:18 2 - Bear's Den, "Agape" 3 - Pushing Daisies (TV series) 4 - Ruth Fisher from Six Feet Under (TV series) 5 - The Mars Volta, "Teflon" 6 - the Book of Ruth 7 - Two lines dedicated to the loss of my nephew, Timothy 8 - As Cities Burn, "The Hoard"

I wrote this while lying on the floor of my living room Staring up at the cosmos of my spinning ceiling fan [1] My cats picked at me as if I were lifeless Oh, how intuitive those beasts can be Because the reality is that I’m dying And I don’t want anyone to know That this pain in my chest just won’t leave me alone [2] There’s no such thing as a painless lesson [3] And I’m learning that every day I’m learning it the hard way Oh, the things we do to stay alive [4] Oh, the things we do just to survive I might dissolve, I might devour myself I shouldn’t be left alone like this This isolation takes its toll on me [5] This quarantine ain’t what it’s cracked up to be Oh, the things we do to stay alive I might dissolve if you keep saying the shit you’re saying Your voice intoxicates me like the gin and tonics I used to drown myself in While reciting Whitman [6] in hopes of getting someone to sleep with me That was during college, when I was a mess - when I was chaos when I didn’t know how to talk about my problems So I avoided them - I avoided everything And I kept it all within, Granted myself the ability to annihilate Every inch of whatever sanity I could muster That was then, this is now Oh, the things we do to just survive I know i'm not alone just feel alone today I just wanna say fuck anxiety Gotta convince my brain this is temporary [7] There are many days where I can’t figure out What’s going on in my head - what’s going on in my heart There are so many days where I wake up and Wanna go back to bed - but i can’t My body won’t let me - it’s conditioned to the pain Luckily, i’m better at taking deep breaths Whenever i get frustrated It seems to happen more and more each day Oh, the things we do to stay alive And at times like this I recognize the cleverness of God His sense of humor, mocking me [8] I’m remiss - and I’m reminded [9] of how this is where hypocrisy lives — In my bones; where, I’m unsure if I’ve ever truly felt a spirit dwell [10] Oh, the things we do to stay alive Oh, the things we do to just survive Oh, the things we do to stay alive Oh, the things we do to survive ‪"Love the earth and sun and animals,‬ ‪Despise riches, give food to everyone that asks,‬ ‪Stand up for the stupid and crazy,‬ ‪Devote your income and labor to others…‬ ‪Re-examine all you have been told ‬ ‪at school or church or in any book;‬ ‪Dismiss whatever insults your own soul;‬ ‪And your very flesh shall be a great poem.”‬ [11] REFERENCES: 1 - I don't own a ceiling fan 2 - I've suffered from anxiety attacks for most of my adult life; this song is meant to mirror one 3 - Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood (anime) 4 - City and Colour, "Day Old Hate" 5 - Self-isolation and stay-at-home orders across the world during the COVID-19 pandemic have made it increasingly difficult to take care of my mental health. 6 - Walt Whitman (American poet) 7 - A common phrase in the suicide prevention/depression awareness world 8 - my song, "Birth - or, Something akin to it" 9 - Pianos Become the Teeth, "Bay of Dreams" 10 - Losing my faith a few years back was one of the most humbling experiences 11 - Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass"

I am at peace with God—not with you. Because now I know the truth. I’m going stir-crazy sitting here And I’m starting to understand why grief feels like suspense These days, I’m focused on what you aren’t saying. Cuz you have opened up my eyes to the fact That I’ve developed a penchant for stubbornness when my pride is at stake. I will pray on this. You asked for eternal Grace, honesty, trust, and love But everything I once loved and trusted is out of reach. You should practice what you preach How can I kill someone I’m sure is already dead? It should’ve never come to this But I’ve never wanted anything more I’ll never sleep again - the you I used to love is gone And now I lay in bed next to the ghost you've become What will you do with that cross you bear? What will you do with that cross you bear? God tells us to be patient in love, That love is kind, but that kind of love is a mere dream. And Perfection is a mere dream When I look in this mirror I see what I have done I know I can’t go on like this But I am becoming more at peace with what I must do I will pray on this. This changes everything about who you were and what you mean to me Each night you left you stripped me of my past and the things we shared. I’m not sure if I wanted to know where you were Grace, honesty, trust, and love You should practice what you preach you fucking coward — practice what you preach you goddamn liar practice what you preach you hypocritical child Practice what you preach Practice what you preach Does anybody feel this way? Does anybody feel this way? [1] Can I be sure of this? Can I be sure of anything? These thoughts are infinitely repetitious but it bears repeating how I’m such a fool for having once loved you It was foolish to think this union would last. We were once so blessed. We were so blessed. I will pray on this And please don’t hold it against me When I pour some poison into your glass Just to make it quick and painless I am at peace with what I have done I will rest easy after I dance on your ashes I will not love you after you are dead I could run away but then I’d never see your face As you burn in the flame of this house that lost its very name Where is your God now? Where is your God now? REFERENCES: **The majority of this song references the 12-hour album I wrote in 2012 (which you can listen to on this bandcamp page) - it references a fictionalized marriage from the perspective of a wife who finds out her husband (a pastor) had been cheating on her - many of the references in THAT album are to CS Lewis's books, "The Great Divorce" and "A Grief Observed." I guess I just have a thing for CS Lewis. 1 - Dredg, "The Canyon Behind Her"

I didn’t exactly hate the me I saw in the mirror this morning - what a victory! There are many mornings where I don’t wanna get out of bed Because the fear of passing by a mirror is so paralyzing That I don’t think I can carry on with my day [1] But today I feel okay Today i feel happy with how I look But i don’t know if tomorrow will be the same - So for today, gonna take it for what it is I am faithless, I’m a wreck I am anxious, yeah I’m a mess [2] Be patient with me - I’m still learning to love my body And hate myself a little less each day Please, be patient with me- Be patient with me Breaking down in a grocery store is very on brand for me [3] Cuz i feel everything And i used to call you any time I entered one Now the food is just a trigger You know, it’s kinda funny I still wear a pair of your socks even though [4] There's a hole in the heel and the toe In hopes of feeling closer to you I tried to call four times the week you died And every time, it went straight to the machine Just wanted to hear your voice in the message Before mom canceled your phone I stopped believing in heaven after you died Gave up on the thought of ever seeing you again [5] I’m still learning how to process this I’m still learning how to love myself Please, be patient with me I’m still learning how to process I’m still learning how to grieve Be patient with me I just don’t wanna feel anxious all the time Tell me, what does that feel like? I just don’t wanna feel anxious all the time What does that feel like? REFERENCES: 1 - Body dysmorphia is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations. 2 - This piece is the spoken word version of a guitar-based song I release in 2018 called, "Be Patient," you can listen to that version and watch the video on this page and on youtube, respectively. 3 - Certainly after my dad died, I had a hard time going into grocery stores. 4 - My dad's old socks 5 - After dad died, I gave up a lot of my faith and decided to just focus on me and forge my own beliefs